February: Senate votes

[King John]

The youthful, vigorous, nattily dressed Senator from Florenciâ leaps to his feet. An ironic smile plays on his lips; his grey eyes flash with subtle wit. He glances around the chamber. (Some ladies in the gallery are overcome with admiration, and have to be helped out into the corridor.) He begins to speak, his voice deep, his measured cadences stately and noble.

My Lord President of the Senäts, My Lord Duke, My Lord, Senators —

You will, I am sure, indulge me in a few brief words regarding two of the measures under consideration in this month's Clark. (Of the third, I have nothing to say.)

36RZ17, The Cabinet Refinishing Act, is a worthy companion to its sister bill, the 35th Cosâ's Royal Household Cleaning Act. Without belabouring the many fine points of this present Act, I would like to single out one for particular acclamation — the new Ministry of Home Affairs. Talossa has profited enormously by the inclusion of a great number of citizens — your servant among them — who have little personal connection to the actual streets, neighbourhoods, parks, buildings, and beaches that compose the Metropolitan homeland of our beloved Kingdom. A cabinet Minister charged with the fostering and preservation of "the connection and bond of Talossans worldwide to their homeland" is a wonderful idea, whose time has certainly come. A very happy and hearty "Për"!

I am pleased and honoured to have been accepted as a co-sponsor of Lords Lauriéir's and Hooligan's amendment establishing a Privy Council to advise the King, 36RZ18. These noble gentlemen deserve the grateful acknowledgement of the Kingdom for this wise measure. Again, a very enthusiastic "Për".

As for 36RZ19, the Act to Elect the King of Talossa, I (perhaps uncharacteristically!) have nothing whatsoever to say, except that I pray divine Providence to guide the Ziu and the people in their consideration of this election. Austanéu.

My Lord President, I yield the floor.

Before resuming his seat, he once again smiles around at the assembly. Another lady faints, falling back into her seat. "I must try," resolves the dashing young Senator, "to use this power ... for good!"

[Hooligan]

The Senator for Cézembre rises.

My Lord President, My Fellow Senators,

I had intended to hold my vote, to honour our most esteemed and revered colleague Sir Fritz, until the upcoming holiday, Napoleon's Memorial Wargaming Day on the 21st of this month, but I feel compelled at this time to cast my votes in this august body.

I find myself in a position where all of the bills on this month's Clark have been sponsored or co-sponsored by me, and so my votes will come as nothing of a surprise, and need no elaborate comment.

On 36RZ17, my position is that the creation of the Ministry of Home Affairs alone is enough to recommend this legislation to the Ziu. I look forward to the permanent and official establishment of a governmental office charged with maintaining the love we all share for our nation's homeland, and I proudly cast my vote Për on this act.

On 36RZ18, the introduction of a body of longtime Talossans, with unbreakable connections to our homeland, into our Organic Law, as a Privy Council to assist our next King, I have nothing but positive things to say, not least of which is my the putting into words of my gratitude to Lord Dan for having made this proposal in the first place. I also proudly vote Për on this proposal, and I know -- because I know my fellow Talossans -- that whomever is chosen to fulfill this role for our next King will do so very well, and I look forward to the service of this council.

On 36RZ19, the proposal to recommend Sir John Woolley's election as King, I also vote Për. I am one of those lucky Talossans who knows Sir John personally, but even those who do not have this privilege agree with me that he will make for our nation the best of Kings. His knowledge and understanding of constitutional monarchy, his incredible and unending love for this nation, his infectuous enthusiasm for all things Talossan, all have no equal. It is with the utmost confidence and surety that I vote in favor of this measure. I look forward to the day that such a King is crowned in Talossa and restored to our throne, to lead this proud nation into its eternal future.

I yield the floor.

The Senator sits.

[Trotxâ]

It is early on Monday afternoon in the Senäts Chamber. Senators, pages and interns slowly amble into the chamber after their weekend, most nursing a near-lethal hangover. As they file to their desks and prepare to start their day, senators notice the long-absent page to the senator from Vuode industriously tidying up the neglected back corner. Trowel in hand, the page removes several layers of dust from the senatorial desk, and loads a small trash can with all manner of detritus. As he departs, the squeaking of the rusty wheels on the page's battered dolly causes several nearby worthies to reach for the Tylenol.

Looking up, Lord Hooligan squints into the light as he notices movement above the gallery. A masked man dressed in black slides though an upper window of the chamber.

Suddenly, he dives from the sill, catches the arm of the central chandelier. His momentum carries him towards the Lord President’s podium. The man in black kips up, executes a perfect back flip and lands on his feet directly in front of the main lectern. Contrary to the rules of the Senäts, the man is armed with an ornate golden sabre.

The man removes his mask, and a murmur ripples through the chamber. The long missing Senator from Vuode shouts to the assembly.

My Lord President, My Lord Duke, My Lord, Good Knight, and Senators - I beg the floor and your indulgence for two minutes.

His earbuds dropping from his ears, the Lord President of the Senäts sits back in stunned silence.

Fellow senators -

I must be brief. For too long, I have been absent from your company. I have returned briefly in order to speak on a most important matter. Please excuse my somewhat unorthodox arrival.

I apologize if my presence shocks or dismays my brother senators. I realize that I am still tainted goods - I realize that I am as bad as the peanut butter in lot 2111.

My current sorry state continues because last November I was publicly challenged to a duel. As you know, dueling is illegal in Talossa. My antagonist has neither apologized nor publicly withdrawn the challenge, thus putting me in suspicious circumstances. Have no doubt; should it come to swords, pistols or grenades, I can hold my own. I have hesitated to come before you until my good name was cleared.

The Lord President presses a secret button under his desk, and a silent alarm goes off in the office of the head of security. Burly men in dark green grab weapons, and head for the Chamber.

Only the urgent matter before the floor regarding the most excellent character and qualifications of my good friend, Sir John Woolley, would prompt me to rejoin you. As I see it, no man is more qualified to wear the crown of Talossa than Sir John. I stand before you to enthusiastically vote "Për" on resolution 36RZ19.

I ask the clerk to note that I vote "Për" on the two other items Lord Hooligan has graciously placed before this august assembly.

The running footsteps of many large men can be heard in the hallway outside the chamber.

Fellows - my time must be brief. I will rejoin you after I clear my name.

The senator makes a running vault onto his desk. He turns, faces the senators, and shouts:

My name is Sir Trotxâ Betiñéir, and I approve this message!

As the green-clad security force bursts into the chamber, he kicks at what looks like an ornate desk pen set. It tips over, and the entire top of the desk springs up, launching him up toward the high windows. He grabs the sash, and pulls himself over the sill. As he squeezes through the window, he shouts,

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est!

and he is gone. As the sound of a galloping horse recedes, several of the more nubile interns flip back their hair, and ask their sisters, "Who was that masked man?"