Post by Sir Alexandreu Davinescu on Nov 28, 2018 18:47:29 GMT -6
This thing is generally way too verbose. Consider this single bit:
Article 2. Loss of Citizenship
Section 1. Renunciation
Any Talossan may renounce their own citizenship, which shall be effective based on the procedure to be set by the Ziu.
Section 2. Loss Due to Fraud
Any Talossan who has been found to have obtained citizenship through the use of Fraud shall face criminal penalty as set forth by the Ziu, which shall be prosecuted by the Government of the Kingdom of Talossa in a Cort of Law, and upon a verdict of guilt, shall automatically be deemed to have lost their citizenship.
Section 3. Loss Due to Conviction in Foreign Country
Any Talossan who is convicted certain crimes that are so egregious as to shock the conscience by courts of certain foreign jurisdictions, shall be deemed to have relinquished their citizenship in the Kingdom of Talossa pursuant to procedures set forth by the Ziu.
Section 4. Loss Due to Inactivity
The Ziu shall have the authority to determine the citizenship status for any citizen who, without prior notification of good cause, fails to vote in any General Election or referenda or respond to any census for two years, as measured against their last vote or response, provided they have not otherwise made their presence known.
The entire thing could be condensed down to:
Any Talossan shall lose their citizenship through conviction in a foreign country of egregious crimes; through voluntary renunciation; through the revelation of fraud committed during the application process; or through failing to vote in a General Election or referenda or respond to any census for two years, provided they have not otherwise made their presence known. The Ziu may define relevant procedures by statute.
The language might need some tweaking, since I wrote it off the top of my head, but I think it gets the whole of the actual meaning of the above without any ambiguity and certainly without the repetition. The whole document is like that.
There's also a weird amount of legalese. I mean, it's divided into Chapter, Article, Section, and then Parts. It's bizarre. If it needs to be self-referential so many times and in such a complicated way that four levels of complexity are necessary, then it's not organized effectively. And the things it chooses to dwell on at length... look at this!
Part 1. Mandate to the Ziu. The Ziu must set by law the procedure by which the publication of law in national journals readily available to the People shall be made and may delegate the responsibility to an individual or entity that shall promulgate all laws. The Ziu shall instruct the codification of passed acts into clear journals and shall maintain a separate journal for statutes, statements of intents, treaties, and other acts of the Ziu.
How is that conceivably necessary? It's not a legal code, it's a constitution! Big principles and broad procedures, clearly and cleanly stated. Just say, The Ziu shall arrange for the publication of all promulgated laws. Easier to understand and clear in meaning.
There are also just a lot of basic mistakes. I mean, we can see that Chapter III, Article 4, Section 1 (yeesh, and that's without even a Part) says that "The Seneschal may appoint a Distain (Distain), who shall be confirmed according to Section 2 of this Article." But Section 2 says nothing about confirmation. It might be referring to Section 4 of that same Article, which itself references "Article 5, Section 3, Part 5 of this Chapter" (yeesh again). But it's hard to say that for sure. At the minimum, you guys need to go back and proofread this.
If we're going to write a new constitution because the current one (that we all swore to protect) needs revision, the new one should at least be well-written and concise. Can those concerned please do another draft and get rid of the frequent redundancy, mistakes, and legalese?
Article 2. Loss of Citizenship
Section 1. Renunciation
Any Talossan may renounce their own citizenship, which shall be effective based on the procedure to be set by the Ziu.
Section 2. Loss Due to Fraud
Any Talossan who has been found to have obtained citizenship through the use of Fraud shall face criminal penalty as set forth by the Ziu, which shall be prosecuted by the Government of the Kingdom of Talossa in a Cort of Law, and upon a verdict of guilt, shall automatically be deemed to have lost their citizenship.
Section 3. Loss Due to Conviction in Foreign Country
Any Talossan who is convicted certain crimes that are so egregious as to shock the conscience by courts of certain foreign jurisdictions, shall be deemed to have relinquished their citizenship in the Kingdom of Talossa pursuant to procedures set forth by the Ziu.
Section 4. Loss Due to Inactivity
The Ziu shall have the authority to determine the citizenship status for any citizen who, without prior notification of good cause, fails to vote in any General Election or referenda or respond to any census for two years, as measured against their last vote or response, provided they have not otherwise made their presence known.
The entire thing could be condensed down to:
Any Talossan shall lose their citizenship through conviction in a foreign country of egregious crimes; through voluntary renunciation; through the revelation of fraud committed during the application process; or through failing to vote in a General Election or referenda or respond to any census for two years, provided they have not otherwise made their presence known. The Ziu may define relevant procedures by statute.
The language might need some tweaking, since I wrote it off the top of my head, but I think it gets the whole of the actual meaning of the above without any ambiguity and certainly without the repetition. The whole document is like that.
There's also a weird amount of legalese. I mean, it's divided into Chapter, Article, Section, and then Parts. It's bizarre. If it needs to be self-referential so many times and in such a complicated way that four levels of complexity are necessary, then it's not organized effectively. And the things it chooses to dwell on at length... look at this!
Part 1. Mandate to the Ziu. The Ziu must set by law the procedure by which the publication of law in national journals readily available to the People shall be made and may delegate the responsibility to an individual or entity that shall promulgate all laws. The Ziu shall instruct the codification of passed acts into clear journals and shall maintain a separate journal for statutes, statements of intents, treaties, and other acts of the Ziu.
How is that conceivably necessary? It's not a legal code, it's a constitution! Big principles and broad procedures, clearly and cleanly stated. Just say, The Ziu shall arrange for the publication of all promulgated laws. Easier to understand and clear in meaning.
There are also just a lot of basic mistakes. I mean, we can see that Chapter III, Article 4, Section 1 (yeesh, and that's without even a Part) says that "The Seneschal may appoint a Distain (Distain), who shall be confirmed according to Section 2 of this Article." But Section 2 says nothing about confirmation. It might be referring to Section 4 of that same Article, which itself references "Article 5, Section 3, Part 5 of this Chapter" (yeesh again). But it's hard to say that for sure. At the minimum, you guys need to go back and proofread this.
If we're going to write a new constitution because the current one (that we all swore to protect) needs revision, the new one should at least be well-written and concise. Can those concerned please do another draft and get rid of the frequent redundancy, mistakes, and legalese?
